There were comfortable wins for Arsenal and Chelsea while West Ham eased their relegation fears by beating Hull 3-0
Preamble: Good afternoon, fellow junkies. To do the words of Johnny Carson a grave injustice, welcome to one hour half an hou 12 and a bit minutes of sparkling entertainment spread over three hours. I won't lie to you: today's 3 o'clockers haven't been handpicked by the footballing gods. We've got two mismatches and a what will hopefully turn out to be a lively scrap between the Tigers and the Irons (I'm sure there's a Woods joke in there somewhere, if anyone fancies finding it).
But alongside the football, we can also attempt to universalise some experiences. We can discuss what cool, new sounds are topping the download charts; whether the Olympics or football is the more degraded, corporate-shambles shell of its former self; and how manly it is to shed a tear at the end of The Road (book rather than film).
And until we properly get going, there's Everton v United and the England Twenty20 vying to eat into your Saturday afternoon. Who said that modern life is rubbish?
Today's 3pm fixtures
Arsenal v Sunderland
West Ham United v Hull City
Wolverhampton Wanderers v Chelsea
A question: Is this the most-used song title in pop?
Some teams ...
Arsenal v Sunderland
Arsenal: Almunia, Eboue, Silvestre, Vermaelen, Clichy, Song, Walcott, Fabregas, Ramsey, Nasri, Bendtner.
Subs: Fabianski, Sagna, Rosicky, Vela, Denilson, Traore, Campbell.
Sunderland: Gordon, Hutton, Mensah, Turner, McCartney, Campbell, Cana, Ferdinand, Richardson, Bent, Jones.
Subs: Carson, Bardsley, Zenden, Malbranque, Da Silva, Kilgallon, Mwaruwari.
Referee: Steve Bennett (Kent)
Oh, and United have just gone 2-1 down, thanks to Dan Gosling's 76th-minute strike.
West Ham v Hull
West Ham: Green, Faubert, Tomkins, Upson, Spector, Behrami, Parker, Kovac, Diamanti, Franco, Cole.
Subs: Stech, Ilan, Mido, Noble, Da Costa, Collison, Stanislas.
Hull: Myhill, McShane, Mouyokolo, Gardner, Dawson, Fagan, Boateng, Cairney, Hunt, Zaki, Vennegoor of Hesselink.
Subs: Duke, Barmby, Altidore, Garcia, Kilbane, Zayatte, Olofinjana.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
Wolverhampton v Chelsea
Wolverhampton: Hahnemann, Zubar, Craddock, Berra, Ward, Foley, Guedioura, Henry, David Jones, Jarvis, Doyle.
Subs: Hennessey, Elokobi, Ebanks-Blake, Halford, Vokes, Milijas, Mujangi Bia.
Chelsea: Cech, Paulo Ferreira, Ivanovic, Terry, Zhirkov, Joe Cole, Mikel, Ballack, Anelka, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Hilario, Kalou, Sturridge, Matic, Bruma, Kakuta, Borini.
Referee: Kevin Friend (Leicestershire)
2.25pm: So, Sunderland haven't won in 12 league teams, but their opponents today were the last team to give Steve Bruce a taste of victory back in November. Remember that? Before Sunderland were usurped by Birmingham as this season's 'surprise package'? When they narrowly missed out on winning at Old Trafford and beat Liverpool with a little help from an inflatable friend? The news now is that they have 26 points from 25 games – less than Newcastle at the same stage last season (though more than Tottenham). As another crumb of discomfort for Black Cats fans, Sunderland also managed just six points from their last 13 games in 2008-09.
Arsenal, meanwhile, probably still have this on their minds. Neither Lukasz Fabianski or Sol Campbell make the starting 11 today, with Manuel Almunia and, perhaps more surprisingly, Mikael Silvestre, preferred.
2.35pm: Chelsea, who must be rubbing their hands at Everton doing the same job on United as they experienced a fortnight back, go to a Wolves side smarting from the fine they were handed this week for fielding a weakened team for their trip to Old Trafford in December. Mick McCarthy's line-up looks a bit more recognisable today; Chelsea, meanwhile, field a makeshift defence featuring Paulo Ferreira and Yuri Zhirkov as full-backs and Branislav Ivanovic partnering John Terry in the centre. They're also missing Frank Lampard through illness, but should still saunter to victory.
Ha! And it's now Everton 3-1 Manchester United.
2.40pm: Everton have beaten United, and are now just six points off Liverpool in fifth. They're on their traditional second-half-of-the-season motor, it seems ...
West Ham, meanwhile, prepare to face fellow trapdoor botherers Hull in a crucial fixture at the Boleyn Ground. These teams drew 3-3 back in November and there could be more goals this time around – West Ham start with a front three of Alessandro Diamanti, Carlton Cole and Guillermo Franco while Egypt striker Amr Zaki makes his first start for Hull.
Both sides lie level with Wolves on 24 points, separated only by goal difference (though it is a gulf of -18 in the case of the Hammers and Hull). All of which means this will probably be an unhelpful-to-everyone draw.
2.48pm: Anybody out there ...? Don't be shy.
Merson watch: He likes the look of Andy Carroll, apparently. More on that 21st century love story as it develops. Any good Merse stories out there? I think Perry Groves has a couple of great Merson mash-ups in his autobiography ... calling snipers 'snippers', and such like.
Huzzah! Some emails: 'My Alzheimer's has kicked in,' mumbles Ian McCourt. 'When was the last time Everton beat United?' Soccerbase tells me it was five years ago, Ian, thanks to big Duncan Ferguson.
'Are Sunderland that desperate that Anton Ferdinand is playing centre midfield?' ponders Aidan Gibson. Yes, yes, it appears they are. I can't see that going wrong in any way, shape or form.
3pm: Teams are out, wandering the turf at the Emirates, Upton Park and Molineux (respectively, of course, not all at the same time).
3.01pm: Aaron Ramsey and Cesc Fabregas almost carve out an early chance against Sunderland. Not that that's the hardest thing for a team to do on Sunderland's current form.
GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Hull City (Behrami 3) The 'ammers are 'appy after Valon Behrami's strokes home the first goal of the afternoon at Upton Park. The Swiss was teed up by the returning Guillermo Franco, and slotted it past Bo Myhill.
3.07pm: A question that doesn't really apply to this clockwatch but we'll deal with anyway: 'Sky have named Jack Rodwell as the man of the match in the Everton-Utd game, after he came on in the 88th minute. Is this some sort of record for the least time required to get such an award? Or is it just ludicrous?' That's one for the Knowledge, I reckon. David Beckham got one for a couple of crosses and shaking hands against Belarus not so long ago, didn't he?
3.10pm: Fabregas has crossed the ball into the Sunderland area, Nicklass Bendtner poised to leap ... and my feed has frozen. Let's hope he didn't score.
3.12pm: The elaborately named James Garland Rogers reckons Holiday might not be the most popular song title ever (see right down the bottom): 'Hello, Alan. Assuming you aren't looking for straight remakes (e.g. 'Beyond the Sea'), 'Burning Up' can claim Kylie Minogue, Madonna, Ashlee Simpson, and (allowing for youthful shortenin' of words a la 'Burnin' Up'), the Jonas Brothers. I even admit to having two of them on my iPod, embarrassing as that might be.' No, covers aren't allowed. And I'm not sure the Jonas Brothers should be (or even people who know of their oeuvre).
3.14pm: Arsenal take a short corner and Samir Nasri sees his shot deflected over. I can also confirm that Anton Ferdinand is playing in central midfield and Darren Bent is wide left. And Steve Bruce has not lost the plot.
3.16pm: Goals in the Championship to report include Newcastle going 1-0 up over Preston and Daniel Bogdanovic scoring two in three minutes to make it Cardiff 0-2 Barnsley. Kevin Doyle flashes a chance wide against Chelsea ...
3.18pm: Nicklas Bendner hits the bar at the Emirates, his effort looping up and landing almost on top of the stanchion. Peter Richards wants to offer a critique of Sunderland's tactics today: 'I think the problem here may be that there is no way, shape or form to the strategy. Sorry, 'strategy'.'
3.20pm: West Ham are all over Hull, and Amr Zaki is yet to touch the ball. West Ham have kept clean sheets in four of their last seven, ominously for the visitors.
3.23pm: Chelsea are up against it a bit at Molineux, where Petr Cech has to be alert to smuggle Kevin Doyle's snap shot around his near port. And I'm hearing that Yuri Zhirkov may have to go off with an injury – more defensive problems for Carlo Ancelotti.
3.25pm: Myhill diverts a Behrami strike wide in east London ... and Wolves-Chelsea turns into the Pirates v Chiefs on my 'internet feed'. Now it's golf; now Arsenal-Sunderland. Errrr.
3.26pm: 'Most-used song title in pop?' wonders John Sykes, possible stroking his chin. 'Surely that'd be 'Crazy' - in purely hit single terms, you can count Seal, Britney Spears, Aerosmith, Gnarls Barkley, Eternal, Patsy Cline, and probably loads more I can't remember.' 'Loads you can't remember' is not the most substantial argument I've ever heard, John. Six isn't a bad tally though.
3.28pm: 'West Ham are mauling the Tigers' says Paul Jewell.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Sunderland (Bendtner 27) That slipped by me somehow, but the Dane has turned in Emmanuel Eboue's cross to give Arsenal a tangible return for their early dominance.
3.32pm: Julian Menz hearts David Moyes. 'Waves of toffee-flavoured love to the blue half of Liverpool. God knows I feel better as a Chelsea fan. Now watch us cock it up against Wolves. Bottom-half teams away. We love 'em.' Mmm, your lads haven't looked like title frontrunners so far, it has to be said.
3.35pm: 'Am i being a right eejit...? Or is the link to the arsenal liveblog not working. Sort a brotha out!' If Keith Anderson-Capita's email describes a commonlt-experiencec problem, I can only offer my apologies, the site is experiencing some problems. Although I say for sure that there aren;t any eejits out there.
3.37pm: Hull appear to be edging their way back into the game against West Ham. By which I mean they've entered the home side's half. Meanwhile, Chris Kempshall thinks he can trump me and John Sykes: 'John Sykes' six for 'Crazy' is pretty good but I think the (Wikipedia confirmed) 26 for the word 'Believe' including songs by Cher, Elton John and the Smashing Pumpkins will take some beating.' Can we rely on the wiki here?
3.40pm: Kenwyne Jones has missed a one-on-one at the Emirates ...
GOAL! Wolves 0-1 Chelsea (Drogba 40) It's the deadly Drog who's broken the deadlock at Molineux and for all Wolves' endeavour they're behind. Zhirkov, who hasn't left the field (confound my dodgy sources), was involved in the build up and Didier Drogba slotted home for yet another goal this season.
3.44pm: A Stelling 'Gary Cooper-High Noon' pun has just bombed on SSN (though I'm jiggered if I know why, really). We do love JS. Some sympathy for Tom Britten, please: 'I'm nursing quite the sore head and a bruised ego after last night's booze-fuelled and first ever (deep breath) Guardian Gamesblog Pro Evo 2v2 Cup KO competition. Came fourth. Out of four. One half of the winners is an Everton fan. As a United fan, my weekend has just got a whole lot worse.'
3.46pm: Wikipedia is going head-to-head with itself on the MBM: 'I believe Time trumps Believe in terms of most oft-used song title with 31 wikipedia verified entries,' says Alex Box. Damien Wims, meanwhile, has put his faith in the internet at large: 'I went route 1 – Googled it. And apparently 'Hold On' has 39 examples …'
3.50pm: So, three half-time 1-0s in the Premier League. Darren Bent has scored in all five appearances against the Big Four this season, so Stelling informs me, but not so far today, with Sunderland trailing Arsenal at the Emirates. West Ham and Chelsea have the upper hand in their games, and if things stay the same the Hammers could sit 13th this evening.
3.53pm: As for the most popular song title in history, Alex Box has changed his mind and is now going with 'Stay', as is Ben Smith: 'If we can trust wikipedia, 'Stay' is the name of 34 songs, miles ahead of 'Believe'...' Clearly, Wikipedia is anyone's floozy on this subject. And most others, I suppose.
3.56pm: Two of you, Andy Fury and Ian Copestake step forward, have emailed in to point out the drool coming out of John Mensah's mouth in the picture at the top of the page. I mention this because if I now have to look at it, so do you ...
3.58pm: Ian Copestake has also had a stab at pop-song-title trivia: 'Rock and Roll' is a song title used by all of the following: The Velvet Underground, Gary Glitter, Status Quo, Dio, Marilyn Manson, Elastica, The Action Time, John Lee Hooker, Led Zeppelin, Johnny Winter, Zapp,The Distraction.' I make that 12, which is some way behind the frontrunner, Stay, with 34. However, John Sykes has hit back with some crazy logic: 'OK, if you're counting Wikipedia registered songs then I'll nominate 'Tonight' which has 33 entries including 'Tonight Tonight' by Smashing Pumpkins and 'Tonight Tonight Tonight' by Genesis which should count twice and three times respectively, making a grand total of 36!'
4.01pm: Back to the football, then. All is going to form in the Premier League, and bar a Hull fightback at Upton Park I can't see things changing too much. That said, Arsenal are definitely good for conceding a couple of howlers to give Sunderland a hand. Chelsea restart at Molineux ...
4.03pm: A vote of confidence from the readership: 'Man, you sure do waffle interminably about very little. So much so I considered only moments had passed since the last update, only to find myself to have been sucked into a bore portal as your timings have progressed +1 hour.' That's the aim, Bob ...
4.06pm: Michael Turner cuts out a Gael Clichy cross at the near post as play gets back under way at the Emirates. And Didier Drogba is now doing a strange staccato dance on my screen, as he freezes and then unfreezes. It's quite hypnotic.
4.08pm: Fabregas pirouettes neatly in the Sunderland area but his cross his headed clear. Bendtner then wins a free-kick, with Thomas Vermaelen inches from getting on the end of Fabregas's delivery.
4.10pm: RED CARD! Craig Fagan has received his marching orders at Upton Park and you can almost see a smile beginning to creep on to Gianfranco Zola's normally impassive phizog. Fagan was booked for a tackle from behind on Diamanti in the first half and gets a second for tangling with Behrami.
4.13pm: ''I make that 12, which is some way behind the frontrunner, Stay, with 34'? I dunno what they're teaching in schools today, but in my day 39 was more than 34 (BTW I am writing sniffily…)' writes Damian Wims sniffily. Yes, Damian, I have made mistakes. Stay tuned for my full, to-camera apology coming up later.
4.15pm: Not too much going on around the Prem at the moment. Craig Gordon comes haring off his line to head the ball away some 35 yards from goal, but the Arsenal players in pursuit were offside anyway.
4.17pm: Kevin Nolan has made it 2-0 to Newcastle against Preston. Chelsea are knocking it about with composure at Wolves, clearly thinking that today is no day to slip up after United's defeat at Goodison.
GOAL! West Ham 2-0 Hull (Cole 59) The jig's up for Hull, I fear, as Carlton Cole goes through on goal and slips in his ninth of the season.
Don't upset a Damien corner: 'At 4.13 pm, is it Damian Wims or Damien Wims? I'm a Damien and don't ever like being mistaken for a Damian.' Damien Neva, I apologise: it was Damian.
4.21pm: Henrique Da Costa is transcribing Steve Bruce's woe. 'Primal screams coming through the micropohone all match long from Bruce-y ... man under fire????' Man on fire, possibly, if the Mackems decide he actually is a Geordie after all. Although they can't have expected to win at the Emirates today, surely?
GOAL! Wolves 0-2 Chelsea (Drogba) A long punt up field from Petr Cech bounces through to Didier Drogba, and he muscles his way past Christophe Berra before rounding the onrushing Marcus Hahnemann and tucking in his second of the match. Compared to a hungry Drog, Mick McCarthy's lot are sheep in Wolves clothing (sorry, sorry).
4.27pm: Sunderland appeal for a penalty but I can't tlel you what happened as my screen is showing a spinning wheel of death. Nasri and Theo Walcott then squander good chances for the Gunners, as is their style.
4.29pm: Diamanti has just tried to score from 70 yards, and almost pulled it off at Upton Park. Myhill scrambled the effort around the post, according to Paul Jewell on SSN.
4.30pm: 'At the mention of Perry Groves, you might like my friend's website on the great man,' proffers Nicholas Tipple. That site is always worth a look. Forest are 1-0 up against Boro in the Championship ...
4.32pm: 'Just to clear things up a wee bit. According to this article: Damien, Myra and Carrie are Britain's most feared and mistrusted names due to superstitious and dark associations, according to a survey yesterday.' Lanny Whack appears to be asking for one (a whack, that is) from Damien Neva.
4.34pm: So, West Ham look like they'll be continuing their cruise up the table today. They're all over a desultory Hull. The Hammers will be fine, won't they? Arsenal fanny around a bit outside the Sunderland area before Eboue squirts a cross straight at Gordon.
4.36pm: Fashion folk read football minute-by-minutes? Apparently: 'I've just come back from the Topshop catwalk show, where I filmed!' writes Amir Adhamy. 'And now I'm editing the footage in Soho whilst watching Arsenal dominate Sunderland on my second monitor! How's that for a brag? I might have fallen in love with Pixie Geldof, but I'm not so proud about that ...' I'm not sure where to begin with this one.
4.38pm: Mido has replaced Carlton Cole at Upton Park. And one of the linesmen is having some bandaging applied to his fingers at the Emirates. So they are after all ...
4.41pm: Arsenal still aren't home and hosed at the Emirates, despite Sunderland's lack of adventure. Something which appears to have stirred something like admiration in Patrick Groden: 'Anyone who thinks professional football is glamorous hasn't had to defend like Sunderland have today. Occasional breaks upfield, but otherwise, 10 men behind the ball chasing and sighs of relief when Arsenal fail to find the net.' Aye, proper, old-fashioned football. Or something.
4.44pm: With about five minutes left, Chelsea and West Ham are looking pretty certain of three points. At the Emirates, Nicklas Bendtner is taken out on the egde of the Sunderland box by Dribblin' John Mensah ... but Steve Bennett waves play on.
4.46pm: 'It's great being a Damian – all the benefits but without the sinister undertones,' cat-calls Damian Wims. 'I neglected to mention that my 10-week-old daughter is called Mira. Does that count?' returns panto-villain Damien Neva. As Harry Hill would say: 'fight!'
4.48pm: Chance for Sunderland at the Emirates, but Boudwijn Zenden plonks the free-kick straight into the wall.
4.50pm: My pictures from Molineux and Upton Park have gone black, while the ol' spinning wheel of death is dominating proceedings at Arsenal. Apparently it's all over at Wolves, 2-0 to Chelsea.
PENALTY to Arsenal Fabregas was fouled by Fraizer Campbell, I think ...
GOAL! West Ham 3-0 Hull (Faubert 90) Frenchman Julian Faubert caps a bubbly display for West Ham with the third.
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland (Fabregas 90) Arsenal's captain makes things safe for Arsenal, who will move to within two points of Manchester United.
4.54pm: It's full time at Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland and West Ham 3-0 Hull City. A fourth consecutive clean sheet at Upton Park for the Hammers, who move above Sunderland in the table.
4.55pm: Robert Snodgrass has scored a 90th-minute equaliser for Leeds at home to Brighton. Just thought you'd like to know.
4.57pm: Well, I think that just about wraps things up for me here – but do feel free to join me over at the Pompey-Stoke game in a bit. Cheers for your emails, and if I haven't used them yet, I may do in half-an-hour's time ...
Premier League results (so far)
Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland
Everton 3-1 Manchester United
West Ham 3-0 Hull City
Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-2 Chelsea
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